It’s that festive time of the year, sweetie, and as has been our custom for low these many decades, we come up with the gifts we’d like to see under the trees of all the good and great in our little corner of the universe…all said in jest…mostly. This final isshew of the year has always been a fun one for us, and we hope to continue the tradition.
Mayor Dorinda Borer – The Jolly Ole Elf sees when we’ve been sleepin’ and knows when we’re awake, and probably sees the administrative mess that the Actor’s Colony is in, and Herronner took over. Sooo, under her tree we think St. Nick might give her a reference book of excuses, rationales and deflections that she might hear from everyone who darken her office door. Once heard, she could look it up, and find the immediate retort. It might help in the early going.
Chief of Staff Rich Spreyer – Now the Spreyer family is well known in these parts and has a great reputation. One we expeck will not be tarnished by the slings and arrows of West Haven politics. Still, as the major domo of the administration, he’s gonna take a lotta flak. For his gift, Santa should leave him a packet of No Doz for those endless meetings, and a bottle of his favorite hooch to take the edge off during what FDR used to call the “Children’s Hour.” He will git the drift.
Treasurer Ron Quagliani – The new treasurer is finding out, we hear, that whilst it might be a part-time job on paper, the first few weeks have been racking up the hours. Quagliani should see an abacus under his tree, to help figger out the tally sheets he’ll be given to peruse.
City Council Chairman Nicholas Pascale – This ain’t Nicky’s foist go-round on the council. When he was a young whippersnapper, he had a bit of a run. Now he’s the Ring Master of the circus that can become the City Council. It’s early yet, and many of the members are new, but once they git their feet wet, the personalities will come through. Every good Ring Master should have a whip and a chair to keep the members at bay. Santa knows the drill, and will deposit them come the holiday. Also, we know who your aunts are, and wish you the best staying on their good side…effen yew git our drift. They are certainly opinionated.
First District Councilwoman Anne Heffernan — When we hoid she was running and was elected, our foist reaction was like the commercial in the 70s, “What’s a nice girl like you doing in a place like this?” The ever-smiling Mrs. Heffernan will need her perky attitude when the phone calls come in from constituents. Dealing with John and Jane Q can be rather taxing on the psyche. Santa will bring Anne a daybook to jot down the complaints, and their disposition. Meanwhile, Hubby, Bill, will get a lock on his den door in case he needs a fortress of solitude.
Republican member Meli Garthwaite – It’s gonna be lonely sitting alone when the Dems will go into their inevitable caucuses. As the lone member of the loyal opposition, sitting out in the chambers whilst the other party hashes things out can be rather boring. Meli will get a deck of Pinochle cards to while away the hours with the public during those long hours. You can only play so many games of Angry Birds.
City Clerk John Lewis – Lewis is no newcomer to the Actors Colony, serving in several capacities during his political life, including Executive Secretary under the O’Brien administration. John will spend a lotta hours in his office and the environs thereabouts, so Santa will give him a pair of comfortable slippers to wear in his office. It’s a little thing, but when you’re holed up in an office, it makes things better.
Democratic Town Chairman Michael Last – In his real life, Last is big-time involved in Pop Warner Football, and he can probably tell you dealing with those under 21 is easier than those over. Double that when you put into the mix politicians and their egos. Needless to say, Mike needs a rest from the crazies – and we don’t mean the kids or coaches. He will find a silent retreat at a nearby monastery. The quiet will be good for him.
Republican Town Chairman David Riccio – Dave’s been in politics since the days of Larry Minichino – some would say the high-water mark of the GOP. That was 40 years ago! Dave needs to clean house, and get things in order with that party. Santa will leave him a broom and mop, and fly swatter if we thought it’d help. We’d say the chairman and his town committee should play pinochle with Garthwaite, but that would include winning – something they just don’t do.
Republican and activist Steven R. Mullins – Mullins is one o’ those guys most people couldn’t keep up with on a daily basis. He has more balls in the air than a circus juggler, and we don’t know how he keeps up with it. He’s a bit of a shutterbug, so Santa will give him a real treat. We’ll go retro. A tripod and camera from circa 1945. That should keep him content for a while..and slow him down a bit.
The Board of Education – Each member will get an Erector Set so they can build whatever they want the next time they feel the urge to tear down an iconic building. Santa will make sure. And, yes, Cobina is still ticked a great building is being torn down for another formless architectural eyesore. We’ll say it again – and they still can’t read!
The Haven Group – The erstwhile developers of that area of land at lower Elm Street near the harbor is almost completely gone of former homes, and virtually flattened. Santa will send them a buyer soon so the residents of the town can see the backs of the group as they leave town, and venture to flim-flam another city elsewhere. To whomever buys the land: caveat emptor!
The Municipal Accountability Review Board – This group of boys and girls has promised a new era in dealing with the city. Let’s say we’re from Missouri on that one. But effen the group is serious Santa will send them notepads or whatever they need on their computer to take notes. The committee should listen more and dictate less. Power is a heady thing. Using it wisely is not something we see very often these days, and this group is a case in pernt.
Congresswoman Rosa DeLauro Greenberg – She hates when we call her that…which is why we do it. Tennyrate, the purple-haired maven of the minority and its group of Geritol drinkers will get a tome on the economy and how it works. Never actually having a real job in her life, Rosa doesn’t know how money gets earned. Santa will try, in her twilight years, to educate her.
Sens. Richard Blumenthal and Chris Murphy – A clue, either one each, or one they can share. Santa will put one under the tree this year. They are setch Demmie hacks they don’t have a clue. And both will get a corner to stand in next time they embarrass the state with some of their over-the-top rhetoric. Jest so Murphy will be at home, the corner will be manufactured in China.
Gov. Ned Lamont – Santa will send him a little aloe for the burn he got when he had to withdraw the gasoline vehicle ban proposal. It still has to sting. He will also get a bit of a lesson in so-called “climate change” with the writings of some respected scientists who think the scaremongering by politicians is just a ploy to get more power – and more money. Duh!
Patrick Morrissey – This will make somewhere around 20 years Pat’s been named in this colyume. We wish him well, and asked Santa to give him a retread on his walking shoes for those long walks along the beach he likes to take.
Former Mayor Nancy Rossi – Santa will provide a bit of R and R over the next few weeks. It’s been a rough ride, especially over the last year or so. Take a little “me” time, provided by the Ole Elf, and enjoy the time off.
Mike Walsh and Mike O’Brien, PR guys for the city and school board – A mounted certificate for their offices, showing their membership in the Benevolent and Protective Order of Scribes. Santa was working on them in the North Pole when last we spoke.
To all our readers and friends – The hope for a Merry Christmas and/or Happy New Year in whatever holiday you celebrate, and the best for a prosperous 2024.
Mitt luff und kizzez,